Life

As a child i was well taken care of. My parents loved and cared for me but somehow it wasn't enough. I've hated myself. I hate who I am. I've hate what I've become. Not a day goes by when i dont feel a huge amount of sadness and i dont know why or how to make it go away. I can feel myself going mad and paranoid. Ive done things that im not proud to say or to think about. Why am i like this? Its my fault but i just want it to go away. I can't speak or think freely without the thought of what one might think. I claim not to care or to mind what they say but that is hardly near the truth. I can hear them talking about me, the voices. The voices that never go away. Every corner i turn i see myself disappearing and im scared. i regret every bad decision, every bad thought, every bad memory. I've hurt so many people and im sorry for that. i wish i could apoligize but it seems impossible. The only way i see a way out is through death. I can't hide the fact that i want to die. I can't. It's true i long for death the way a child longs for its mother. I don't care how stupid it sounds or how many people are against it. It's selfish and irresponsible but i cant deny its what i want. The truth is that i have no answers for questions as to why or how this ever began. Maybe thats way its supposed to be maybe its destiny, my fate that i am meant for nothing. It's sad but true. Experience has shown that any amounts of happiness, love, or pleasure have no future with me. They are wonderful and great but they do not last. They never do and never will. It's no one else's fault but mine. I wish for so many things but still i know my cries will not be heard. I'm tired and afraid but still i long for so much. and still i no i will always be that person that is surrounded by so many people but can still feel so alone. That person that stays in the dark even though there is light. I am that person that longs to live in death then to live.

Gone So Soon

Time is ending
Not long ago it was only the beginning
And now it's nearly the end
It sits here laying on the ground
It can't move
It can't see
It's hard for it to breathe
The sun moves and time is slowly turning
It's heart starts racing
It's feet stretch out
It's head is searching
And It's wings begin to flap
The sun has now set
The clouds are gone and the sky is dark
It no longer moves
It no longer breathes
It's gone now
But I like to think that maybe it's happier now
That maybe in the end it finally got to fly

Chapter Three: The New Stranger

As she walked slowly on his wonderfully gloomy Saturday morning, she counted the number of steps she had taken as one foot moved in front of the other. As the numbers consecutively rolled in her head, "four hundred and twenty, four hundred and twenty-one, four hundred and twenty-two..."She looked down at the water only five feet away. Until at a moment, she paused as questions ran through her head one after another. Each dealing with a sudden urge she had to jump into the dark, deep water that filled her thoughts. She wondered to herself about whether or not she should just pick up two heavy rocks and tie them onto her dress and stepping into the water. So that she could just put to an end any distress she had.


"No," she shook her head as she returned back to reality. "No what am I thinking?"


She continued on, "Four hundred and sixty-one, four hundred and sixty-two, four hundred and sixty-three..."


Earlier that morning, Zelya had stormed into Layne’s room at five in the morning just to clean. As Layne was sleeping, Zelya came in with thunderous noise as she moved back and forth with a hungry vacuum at her side. She needed to get away, free of Zelya’s manner to move anything that came in sight. Now she was walking and free outside even if it could just be for a moment.


"There,” Zelya declared with a great sense of accomplishment. “Finally done.” She was finally done after cleaning the windows, the rooms, the bathrooms, mopping the floors, vacuuming, and a lot more that see had done from earlier that morning. Her eyes looked around the room, looking for the sister that she had thrown out of her room.


“Great, where did she go now?” Poor Zelya, so distracted by her own work cleaning that she had not even noticed when Layne had walked and hurried out of the house. “What do I do now?” She didn’t need or bother worrying about Layne, she was sixteen already and this should be an experience worth learning from. If Layne got lost, she would find her was back somehow. She decided to clean out and organize everything that was in the attic.
“Six hundred and thirty, six hundred and thirty-one, six hundred and sixty-two…” She walked under a tree and lay on the grass. She rested her head on her hands as she looked up at the sky. The sky was a gloomy blue-gray with white clouds. She was really tired. Even though, Zelya had woken up that was not the reason why she was tired. She had not slept well for days. Each night she would fall asleep, it would always end with her having nightmares. She wasn’t exactly sure why she was having them. She had constantly had them in the past but they were different now. It wasn’t just the nightmares. Lately she has just been out of it; she can’t make her mind on decisions. Somehow maybe she’s losing her mind and going crazy. But then again her father used to say that crazy people don’t know that they are crazy and she believed him.
As she lay on the grass under a tree looking at the sky, her eyes began to hurt and she could hardly keep them open. After a while, she fell asleep. In her dream, she recalled a moment in her childhood where she had been in a park just like today. It was not a calm day like today, actually it was gently raining. She has wandered off too far away when she was young and she was all alone. She was lost and scared. She had been walking for almost two hours but she didn’t want to turn back not that it would make a difference. She kept walking until she came upon a wounded bird on the ground. It was a tiny little bird and its eyes were closed and it was chirping. It was almost heartbreaking she wanted to help it but she didn’t know how. She picked up the bird with her hand, took off her jacket and wrapped it so it wouldn’t get sick.
She ran to somewhere where it wasn’t wet. But when she checked on the bird, it wasn’t moving. No noise came from it and all she could see was its heartbeat as it slowly stopped. She thought it was just sleeping but when it didn’t wake up, she felt a heavy sadness came over her. She started to cry but all she could do was run away. She reached the road and waited for a car to pass. She couldn’t stop crying and when a car finally came close she stepped forward and walked in front of the approaching car. Time moved slowly. She was expecting to die, but to her surprise she wasn’t. The car had stopped just in time. She wasn’t sure whether or not she should be sad, but she wasn’t crying anymore. Since that day, she has always been sad for reasons that may be simple to others. Her childhood was always haunted by a tiny little bird that forever changed her life.
“Are you dead?” a stranger’s voice called out.
Layne tiredly woke up and looked up to a girl. She stood there next to her laughing down at her.
“Urr, no I don’t think so,” Layne replied.
“Who are you?”
“No one special but if you must know, my name is Rachel Wolf.” She stuck out her hand for Layne to take, “And you are?”
“I’m Layne, Layne Winters.”
“Well, it’s very nice to meet you, mind if I join you?”
“Uhh, sure.”
“Thanks,” she laid down next to Layne. “I needed to get away from my parents up there. They’re having another argument. They said for better or worse, but I guess they chose the worst! Parents, right?”
“Um, my parents are dead.”
“Ohh,” she sat up and began to get teary-eyed. She cries, “I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”
“Why are you crying?” she laughed softly.
“What?”
“No, I mean I like…I haven’t even cried so I find it kind of funny that you would be more emotional than me.”
“It’s just so sad.”
“No, don’t cry. Well you know, I’m actually okay. I wasn’t close to them.”
“How did they die?”
“They died in a car crash a month ago in Los Angeles while I was at home. I was told that they died at three in the morning. To tell you the truth, I didn’t really care... Do you think that is cruel that I don’t even care that I lost my only parents?”
“I’m not sure; sometimes not caring is really just away to protect yourself from any pain.”
“Hmm maybe but I doubt it though,” Layne awkwardly said.
Noticing the awkwardness in Layne, Rachel changed the subject. She continued on, “So, where do you live now?”
“I now live down the street with my sister who I barely know.”
“Oh, how is that? Is she nice?” Rachel casually asked.
“Uh, it’s a new experience and it’s taking some time to get used to. I wish I could just run away.”
“Why?”
“No, don’t get me wrong. Zelya is very nice and clean but I don’t belong there. I don’t belong anywhere.”
“Well, if you ever decide to run away, I’ll run away with you. Anywhere is better than living with my parents. I pretty much hate them. I wish I could die. Actually, I’ve tried to kill myself many times but never actually did it.”
Layne was shocked to hear this. Rachel looked like the type of girl who would always be happy and not have a care in the world about any troubles. But to hear that she has tried to kill herself is almost relieving. For once she has met someone who is open about who she is and not afraid to admit that she has problems. She longed to be like Rachel to be as unguarded and straight-forward as she was.
“Are you okay?” Rachel asked looking at Layne with a curious look on her face, noticing that Layne was having an outer body moment.
“Yeah, I’m sorry,” she replied.
“Ha-ha, its cool, no worries…You’re my new best friend,” she declared with an excited smile.
Layne smiled back.

Chapter Two: Starting Over and the First Morning

“This is it,” Zelya announced in a big, excited tone.
From the outside the house was quite big with a dark shade maroon and a mixture of black on the top. The windows were wide and long, surrounded by black in the sides.
As they entered the house it was completely different compared to the outside. The inside of the house was very clean and organized. The furniture was white and pearly shade with hazel wood floors and walls.
Zelya with not a trace of worry on her face pointed out the room on which Layne was going to sleep in. It was the second room up the stairs at the end of the hallway. When she was walking to the room that would be hers, she was able to see a peek of Zelya’s room because the door was open. Her room was yellow in the inside and it included a brown bedcover and a wood floor. It was extremely spotless, the bed was made. The books were neatly placed on the shelf and amazingly enough her shoes were lined along the back of the closet. This manner of being organized was new to Layne and she was not sure how she was going to get used to it. Layne’s door was white and she expected the inside of the room to as well be entirely white. But it wasn’t. On the contrary, it reminded her of the room she once had not long ago. The walls were dark red and the wood floor was a dark brown shade. The rug was different but it still had a similar red and brown pattern. Oddly enough the bed was exactly the same, the bed cover on outer side was black and on the other side it was red.
She lay down on the bed thinking that maybe this won’t be as bad as she thought. It was barely the first day and it was a new home, which meant it was a new start.
Knock. Knock.
“Hi. Do u like it?” Zelya asked with a gleaming smile. “I saw a picture of what your room looked like and I wanted to make the house as welcoming as possible.”
Layne sat up and said, “Yes, thank you.”
“Look, I’m going to be heading out. I need to get to work on time. Will you be alright by yourself?”
Layne was unsure of what to say. Was she going to be alright? She didn’t want to upset Zelya, so all she said was, “Sure, I’ll be fine.”
“Good. If you’re hungry, there’s food in the refrigerator. I’ll be back in the morning.”
Layne walked her sister out the front door. Zelya hurried into her car, backed out the driveway, and waved goodbye.
Layne walked back into the house but she has nothing to do. She wasn’t hungry so she couldn’t eat. She wasn’t sleepy so she couldn’t sleep. She stayed in her room alone staring into the darkness. As time passed, she slowly fell asleep.
She woke up to silence. The house was as quiet as a mouse and no one was home. She slowly rose to a new morning, to her first morning. She unpacked all of her belongings from her luggage and organized them into the wood drawers that had an odd scent inside. She gathered her clothes and took a shower. After, she headed down the stairs to get some breakfast but heard a knock on the door.
She opened the door and saw a middle aged woman around her thirties, dressed in white spotless clothes holding a plate full of cookies.
“Hello there,” she introduced herself. “My name is Susan Clary and you must be Layne.”
“Yes”
“Well. Good Morning, Layne. I heard that you were coming to live here and I baked you some chocolate chip cookies to give you a welcoming full of sweets.”
“Thank you,” she took the plate of cookies that Susan was handing her.
“If you ever need anything, please feel free to ask. I know you sister is gone for most of the day but please don’t feel like you are all alone. Please come to me, if you need help with anything.”
Susan waved goodbye and headed for the white and yellow house, two doors down. She seemed nice and very caring but Layne doubted that she would ever go to her in need of help. Layne had a tendency to avoid going to anyone if she needed assist. She has always been like this ever since she was little and went exploring in a cave. She had lost her way and because she had tripped over a pile of rocks, she couldn’t walk. She was trapped in total darkness wounded and afraid. She spent almost half the day there until she gathered all her strength and began to walk even though she had excruciating pain in her leg. Zelya finally came home and the day rolled by with no improvement of enjoyment.

“If depression is creeping up and must be faced, learn something about the nature of the beast: You may escape without a mauling.”

-Dr. R. W. Shepherd

Chapter One Part One: The Beginning

The story began long ago, in a land far, far away. Well no, not really. Fairytales begin that way and they end with a happily ever after. I’m sorry to say that this is not fairytale. It does not begin or end happily. This tale is different.

Our story begins in an August day, still a dreadful summer month. Layne Winters is waiting for her plane to takeoff, counting the seconds and minutes for her departure from Los Angeles to suburban Detroit.
“Ahhh, Detroit, the wonderland of nothing but a god forsaken place.” she thought to herself.
It was not her, who chose to go live in Detroit, her parents had just died and she was being forced to go live with her twenty-nine year old sister, Zelya. Who was more a stranger than a sister. Zelya had moved away when Layne was only five years old and she can’t recall a good memory with her. There had been one time, when Zelya had actually looked at her instead of just ignoring her as if she was nothing but a ghost. Of course, only to throw her out her room but it was just the same. Those were the good old days.
As she sat on the airport waiting chair starring at the people passing by, she wondered what went through their minds as they walked by with blank faces only looking forward. Are they scared, worried, or are some just nothing but blank? She envied them. She longed to be one of those people who just moved forward with blank minds and blank thoughts. Instead she stayed in her mind wondering and wondering about anything, everything. Why must she go through this? What point is there to ask these questions?

She boarded the plane and sat still like a statue on her seat. She couldn’t sleep. She didn’t want to sleep. She never had dreams only thoughts, endless thoughts with questions that longed for answers. She stayed quiet, only looking out the window, hardly living, barely seeming alive.
Ever since her parents died, she’s changed. She wondered why, she was never that close to her mom or her dad. In fact, she never spoke to them. There was no reason to, she received high grades and never got in trouble, it just seemed like there was never a need to talk to them.
What would life have been if she and her parents had only been closer? Would she have been happier? She always blamed herself for their death, even though there had never been a reason to. Still something inside her felt guilty, something that she knew would never go away.
It seemed like she was only on the plane for a couple of moments, but the hours had passed by like seconds. She exited the plane and picked up her bags. She had never been a big fan of airports, they seemed empty and hollow and as she walked through the halls, she wished she wasn’t there. As long as she could remember, she had always had a feeling that she always being watched. She was never sure of it but it was one of those feelings, she was very paranoid about.
Finally, she arrived to the end, only to see Zelya waiting for her. Zelya was standing there impatiently, looking up with her long, curly, black hair tide into a pony tail. As usual, she had not noticed Layne standing in front of her. Layne didn’t bother saying hello. She didn’t want to distract her sister who seemed as if she were going through her plans of the day through her head. Somehow looking at her sister had not brought any happy feelings to her.
“Is that normal? “ Layne thought to herself.
After a couple minutes passed by, Zelya had at last realized that Layne was standing there. Startled she said, “Geez, why didn’t you say you were right there?”
“I’m sorry, you just seemed busy.”
“Well don’t do that, its weird.”
It was silent then.
Seeing that it was an awkward moment, Zelya finally said, “Anyway, welcome home!”
Questions were spinning through Layne’s head as she stood there looking at her sister. “Is this how it’s going to be all the time? Filled with awkward silences?”
Layne only forced a smile. But it was not real. It didn’t matter. All she could think was that nothing could change this. This was where it was going to begin. This is home now.

Introducing Layne Winters: Lost in Depression

She's alone

Living in eternity with nothing but darkness

She wants to get away

She wants to be free

Free of fear

Free of regret

Free of every sadness that she has ever felt

She wants to run

She wants to escape

She wants to fly

She doesn't have dreams

Only nightmares

Everyday

Night after night

Her mind is consumed with obscurity

How much longer must it go on?

Hope is nearly gone

Faith is disappearing

Her mind is longing to die

The will to live is fading

If it ends
It will not come back

It will not return

What will be left then?

How much longer can she live like this?

She is all alone

Forever abandoned

Forever lost

This is where it begins

This where is ends

This is where time stops

This is her reality