Life

As a child i was well taken care of. My parents loved and cared for me but somehow it wasn't enough. I've hated myself. I hate who I am. I've hate what I've become. Not a day goes by when i dont feel a huge amount of sadness and i dont know why or how to make it go away. I can feel myself going mad and paranoid. Ive done things that im not proud to say or to think about. Why am i like this? Its my fault but i just want it to go away. I can't speak or think freely without the thought of what one might think. I claim not to care or to mind what they say but that is hardly near the truth. I can hear them talking about me, the voices. The voices that never go away. Every corner i turn i see myself disappearing and im scared. i regret every bad decision, every bad thought, every bad memory. I've hurt so many people and im sorry for that. i wish i could apoligize but it seems impossible. The only way i see a way out is through death. I can't hide the fact that i want to die. I can't. It's true i long for death the way a child longs for its mother. I don't care how stupid it sounds or how many people are against it. It's selfish and irresponsible but i cant deny its what i want. The truth is that i have no answers for questions as to why or how this ever began. Maybe thats way its supposed to be maybe its destiny, my fate that i am meant for nothing. It's sad but true. Experience has shown that any amounts of happiness, love, or pleasure have no future with me. They are wonderful and great but they do not last. They never do and never will. It's no one else's fault but mine. I wish for so many things but still i know my cries will not be heard. I'm tired and afraid but still i long for so much. and still i no i will always be that person that is surrounded by so many people but can still feel so alone. That person that stays in the dark even though there is light. I am that person that longs to live in death then to live.